fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
