I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
