Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
