You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
