i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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