Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I pour the whiskey from now on
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
