the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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