Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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