so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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