Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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