I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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