My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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