I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
