He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
