i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
