my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
