I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
