I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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