my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
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