Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
