Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
