it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Randomize
