Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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