careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
