dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
