oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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