I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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