I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
