Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
