Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
