Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
