You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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