talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
