I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
