His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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