I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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