Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
