Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
