we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
