Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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