Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
