I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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