Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
