In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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