i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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