I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
