Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Can you bring me the toilet please
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
