I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
