Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
If I die, sorry about rent.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
