found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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