the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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