Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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