That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
