All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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