made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
