That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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