This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
