I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
