I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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