he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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